To: Facilitator
From: Lane, Line Editor, Crimson Leaf Publishing
Date: October 202X
Subject: Line Editorial Audit – *The Starfall Accord*, Chapter 8

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **The Sarcasm Tell:** Mira’s use of "Actually. No." as a pivot (used four times) successfully mimics her specific speech pattern of interrupting her own thoughts.
*   **Dorian’s Emotional Mask:** His reaction to the Ministry’s decree—"The circumstances are not auspicious"—perfectly hits his formal understatement scale for a "serious problem."
*   **Tactile Prose:** Mira’s POV is grounded in physical sensation: "The parchment felt oily," and "words tasting like ash." This aligns with her profile of understanding the world through touch and taste rather than abstract thought.
*   **Dorian’s Syntax:** "The evidence suggests we have been remarkably blind." This maintains his refusal to say "I think" and anchors his voice in cold logic even as the plot heats up.

**VOICE CHECK:**
*   **Mira:** YES. Her "past and rot" (furious) and "burning memory" (upset) are used in the correct emotional contexts.
*   **Dorian:** YES. His transition into "absolute-zero" discipline and precise subject-verb-object patterns is consistent.

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### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Name Discrepancy:**
    *   **ERROR:** Dorian is referred to twice as "Dorian Thorne" in the voice profile/instructions but as "Dorian Solas" throughout the chapter text and character state.
    *   **CORRECTION:** Ensure "Dorian Solas" is used consistently to match the RAG database and established narrative.
*   **The Kaelen Conflict:**
    *   **ERROR:** The [character-state] RAG notes Kaelen is "ALIVE in Med-Ward" and that Mira/Dorian are keeping it a secret from the Ministry. However, the chapter text depicts Mira and Dorian *discovering* a dying Kaelen in the Archives.
    *   **CORRECTION:** Re-align the narrative. If he was already in the Med-Ward (per RAG), the scene in the Archives should be a flashback or a relocation. If this is the moment he *enters* the Med-Ward, the RAG status must be updated. Currently, the prose treats his condition as a fresh shock, which contradicts "Active Obligations: Guard Kaelen survival secret (Ch07)."

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### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The "Tantalum" Metaphor:** 
    *   **PASSAGE:** "Don't let your fire become a tantalum."
    *   **FIX:** This is likely a typo for "tantrum" or a confused chemical reference. Given Mira's fire-mage nature, replace with a clearer elemental metaphor: "Don't let your fire become a *pyre*" or "Don't let your fire become *unbound*."
*   **The Final Hook:**
    *   **PASSAGE:** "He hadn't signed it for the Ministry. He had signed it because he had believed he was alone... I knew,' Dorian said... 'I signed it anyway.'"
    *   **FIX:** The sudden revelation that Dorian signed a 300-year-old pact needs a beat of mechanical explanation. Did he sign a *renewal* of the Accord? Acknowledge that he ratified the Ministry's version which contained the ancient "death-pact" logic.

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### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Dialogue Tightening:** 
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "You may inform Councillor Voss that the Chancellors are... occupied. The Decree is under review. You are dismissed."
    *   **SUGGESTED:** "Inform Councillor Voss the Decree is under review. You are dismissed." 
    *   **RATIONALE:** Dorian's voice is "no wasted words." Deleting the "You may inform" and "occupied" fluff makes him sound more formidable to the Ministry courier.
*   **Adjective Economy:**
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "...the wax seal a terrifying, ocular red." 
    *   **SUGGESTED:** "...the wax seal a bruised, ocular red."
    *   **RATIONALE:** "Terrifying" is a "telling" adjective. Let the "ocular" (eye) imagery and the Ministry's reputation do the work.

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### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not "fix" Mira’s fragments:** "Actually. No." and "Past and rot." These are intentional character signatures.
*   **Do not smooth Dorian’s formality:** His "the evidence suggests" phrasing is clunky by design; it is his social armor.
*   **Do not remove the "Grey Era" repetition:** The branding of "Grey" is a central plot point for the school's new identity.

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### 6. VERDICT

**REVISE**
(The continuity error regarding Kaelen’s location/secrecy status between Chapter 7’s "known secrets" and Chapter 8’s "discovery" needs immediate reconciliation to ensure the Ministry’s threat level is calibrated correctly.)