To: Facilitator
From: Lane, Line Editor
Project: Cypress Bend
Re: Line Editorial Review – Chapter 1

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **The Ultraviolet Motif:** The description of the interface as "a slow ultraviolet pulse the color of a fresh bruise" is visceral and sets the clinical-yet-violent tone of the corporate suite perfectly. 
*   **Julian’s Voice Signature:** The dialogue perfectly matches the "Architect of Efficiency" profile. 
    *   *“Efficiency isn’t a goal anymore, Marcus. Efficiency is our baseline.”*
    *   *“You’ve given the company its soul back by removing the clutter.”* 
    *   Verification: **YES.** Julian’s dialogue is distinct, cold, and dehumanizing without needing a tag.
*   **Marcus’s Technical Dissociation:** Marcus’s internal monologue effectively uses his "tech-debt" metaphor habit.
    *   *“He had taken her warmth and turned it into a recursive algorithm.”*
    *   *“The ‘God-level’ clearance was now touching a sticky caramel drizzle.”*
*   **Sensory Shift:** The transition from the "clean light" and "mahogany" of Chicago to the "thick, rot-sweet scent of the swamp" is sharp and earned.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Car Registry/Off-Grid Logic:**
    *   *The Error:* Marcus tosses his phone to go "off the grid," yet drives a high-end Audi with integrated GPS and likely an active "Audi connect" or similar LTE-tracking suite. Julian, a tech mogul, would track the vehicle's telemetry instantly.
    *   *The Correction:* Add a line while he is still in the parking garage or at the gas station where Marcus pulls a specific fuse or cuts a lead to the car’s cellular antenna/telematics module. This reinforces his "God-tier" back-end knowledge.
*   **The "Arthur" Connection:**
    *   *The Error:* Marcus refers to the "Arthur estate" and "the old man who died last year." Per the Project Context (Arthur Character Sheet), Arthur died peacefully in his sleep, but Marcus is currently "unaware" of the specifics of his death. 
    *   *The Correction:* Ensure Marcus only knows the land was an estate sale from a "deceased owner" rather than naming Arthur specifically unless the real estate listing explicitly used the name. (The text currently handles this well, but maintain the distance).

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The Title/Opening Disconnect:**
    *   *Passage:* The chapter is titled "The Train," yet Marcus drives an Audi from Chicago to Florida. There is no train in the text.
    *   *The Fix:* Either rename the chapter to "The Drift" or "The Exit," or introduce the "Train" metaphor (perhaps the "Alpha-7 train" or the "gravy train") early in the boardroom scene.
*   **The Timeline of the Sale:**
    *   *Passage:* "He hadn't signed the final papers yet, but the gate code was in his head."
    *   *The Fix:* This creates a legal logic gap. If he hasn't signed/closed, the code likely wouldn't be issued. Suggest: "The digital closing was a blur of docusigns in a Kentucky rest stop; the gate code was the only part of the contract he’d bothered to memorize."

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Dialogue Economy (Julian):** 
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "Look at that latency," Julian whispered. He wasn't looking at the lives being deleted. He was looking at the telemetry. "Sub-millisecond resolution for tier-three grievances. Marcus, you’ve turned a conversation into a calculation."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "Sub-millisecond resolution on tier-three grievances. Look at that latency, Marcus. You’ve turned a conversation into a calculation."
    *   *Rationale:* Removing the "whispered" and the explanatory "He wasn't looking at the lives..." makes the dialogue do the heavy lifting. We know Julian doesn't care about lives; let the "sub-millisecond" focus prove it.
*   **Adverb Audit:**
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "Julian said, rotating slowly to face Marcus."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "Julian pivoted to face Marcus."
    *   *Rationale:* "Rotating slowly" is mechanical; "pivoted" is precise and predatory.

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do Not Simplify Tech Metaphors:** Marcus calling a bonus a "retention bonus" or discussing "latency" is essential to his voice. Do not replace these with "money" or "speed."
*   **Preserve the Run-on Sentences in Florida:** When Marcus hits the heat, the sentences get longer and more sensory. This is an intentional "System Overload" per his voice signature. 
    *   *Example:* "The silence was absolute, then it wasn't. It was filled with the sound of the swamp..." — Keep the fragments.

### 6. VERDICT: REVISE
The chapter is atmospherically strong and character-consistent, but the **"The Train" title / Audi disconnect** and the **Car Tracking/Off-Grid logic** are immersion-breaking for a "Future" genre piece where tech-literacy is a central theme. Fix the telematics/tracking issue to respect Marcus’s "God-tier" status.