### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **Mira’s Voice Signature:** The tactile descriptions and internal interruptions are spot-on.
    *   *Passage:* "We could—actually. No. Stars' sake, if I ignite the wards now..." (Perfect use of the mid-thought break and the mild irritation curse.)
    *   *Passage:* "Obviously, that would be a brilliant career move." (Correct use of "obviously" to signal sarcasm.)
*   **Dorian’s Voice Signature:** The clinical, detached precision of his dialogue creates immediate friction.
    *   *Passage:* "The evidence suggests it is a desperate, statistically improbable gamble." (Maintains the "never says I think" rule.)
    *   *Passage:* "A total failure of the firmament would be... suboptimal." (Excellent use of the Formal Understatement Scale.)
*   **Sensory Weight:** The description of the Emperor’s magic smelling of "past and rot" provides a visceral foreshadowing of the stakes.
*   **Distinct Character Dialogue:** **YES.** Mira’s kinetic, slightly messy sentence structures contrast sharply with Dorian’s balanced, subject-verb-object precision. Tags are almost unnecessary.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **Character Name Inconsistency:** In the [character-state] and [Project Description] context, Dorian’s surname is **Solas**. In the draft text under the "Kaelen Thorne" introduction, the narrative refers to "Dorian Thorne" in the voice profile section, though the draft uses Solas.
    *   *Correction:* Ensure Dorian is consistently **Dorian Solas** to avoid confusion with Mira’s proctor, Kaelen Thorne.
*   **The Waygate Timeline:** Mira tells Kaelen her meeting is in "ninety minutes," but earlier she thinks to herself that Dorian will have been standing there for "twenty minutes already."
    *   *Correction:* Align the internal monologue with the dialogue. If the meeting is in ninety minutes, she shouldn't be worrying about him being early *now*. Change the internal thought to: "He'll arrive twenty minutes early just to check the evidence that suggests I'm late."

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The Transition to the Bridge:** The jump from Mira leaving her vault to standing on the Obsidian Bridge is jarringly fast.
    *   *Passage:* "I have a bridge to reach... The Obsidian Bridge spanned the Great Crevasse..."
    *   *Fix:* Add a single sentence of transition establishing the "thermal-glide" travel *before* she is already standing at the center. This prevents the reader from feeling like she teleported.
*   **The Proximity Logic:** Dorian states the link holds for a "league," but then says they must remain in "constant proximity."
    *   *Fix:* Clarify if the "league" is the breaking point or if the "proximity" is required for the *shield’s* stability specifically. ORIGINAL: "The link holds for a league..." → SUGGESTED: "The magical link remains intact for a league, but the stabilization of the Starfall shield requires us to remain within arm's reach."

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Clarity of "Administrative Nodes":** Dorian uses a very technical term here.
    *   *Suggestion:* To lean further into his profile, have him specify the "nodes" are their physical bodies. ORIGINAL: "A literal connection of the two administrative nodes." → SUGGESTED: "A literal connection of the two administrative nodes—namely, our own nervous systems."
*   **Word Economy in Descriptions:**
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "...the physical contrast was agonizing; his internal frost bit at her marrow while her heat attempted to incinerate his marrow in return."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "...the contrast was agonizing; his frost bit at her marrow while her heat attempted to incinerate his in return." (Rationale: Rhythmic economy; repeating "marrow" twice in one sentence slows the pulse of a high-action scene.)

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not smooth Mira’s "Obviously" sarcasm.** It is a core voice tell, even if it feels repetitive to a general editor.
*   **Do not fix Dorian’s fragmented sentences at the end.** These are intentional "emotional tells" where his armor is cracking due to the soul-tether.
*   **Do not remove the "past and rot" smell.** It is her highest "furious" scale marker and essential for establishing her emotional state regarding the Emperor.

### 6. VERDICT

**POLISH NEEDED**

The voice work is exceptional and aligns perfectly with the non-negotiable signatures. The only reason for a "Polish" rather than a "Pass" is the minor surname confusion (Solas vs. Thorne) and the travel transition between the Academy and the Bridge. Once those are tightened, this is a strong opening.