**1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE**

*   **Vocal Accuracy (Dorian):** The line "The circumstances... are not... auspicious for a surrender, Inquisitor" is a perfect execution of Dorian’s Voice Profile. It uses his formal understatement scale for a life-or-death situation and shows his composure cracking through the ellipses.
*   **Vocal Accuracy (Mira):** "But past and rot, Dorian, I’m not letting that bureaucrat erase us after we’ve spent ten chapters trying to kill each other ourselves." This utilizes her highest-tier curse ("past and rot") and her signature interruption style.
*   **Tactile Imagery:** Mira’s POV remains grounded in physical sensation: "The air around him didn't just shimmer; it groaned" and "It tasted of ozone and copper, a metallic tang." This adheres to her "tactile first" description rule.
*   **The "Grey" Conceptualization:** The description of the magic as a "symphony of neutralization" and "liquid gold in a cracked bowl" provides a strong visual for the climax that avoids generic "magic light" tropes.

**VOICE CHECK:** 
*   **Mira:** YES. Her "past and rot" and "obviously" (used sarcastically) are present.
*   **Dorian:** YES. "The evidence suggests" and "extraordinary" are used exactly according to his profile constraints.

**2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY**

*   **The "Ten Chapters" Meta-Commentary:** Mira says, "...after we’ve spent ten chapters trying to kill each other ourselves." 
    *   *Error:* This is a fourth-wall break. Characters in the world do not know they are in a 10-chapter novel.
    *   *Correction:* Change to "after we've spent months trying to kill each other" or "after all the time we spent trying to kill each other."
*   **Dorian’s Surname:** The text refers to him as "Chancellor Thorne" and "Dorian Thorne."
    *   *Error:* Per the Character State and Project Description, his name is **Dorian Solas**.
    *   *Correction:* Search and replace all instances of "Thorne" with "Solas."

**3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY**

*   **Perspective Shift Confusion:** "I saw the heat haze rising from my own skin, but I saw it through the terrifyingly precise, blue-tinted lens of Dorian’s perspective." 
    *   *Issue:* While narratively cool, the transition into shared sensory input needs a sharper anchor so the reader doesn't think it's a POV error.
    *   *Fix:* ORIGINAL: "My vision was no longer my own." → SUGGESTED: "My vision doubled. I saw the heat haze rising from my own skin, but I also saw my own slumped form through the terrifyingly precise, blue-tinted lens of Dorian’s eyes."
*   **The "Centrifuge" Mechanics:** "He has turned it into a centrifuge. He is trying to spin the 'Grey' until it separates back into its constituent parts."
    *   *Issue:* The transition from a "void-trap" to a "centrifuge" happens very quickly in dialogue. 
    *   *Fix:* Add a brief sensory beat of the Loom changing its rotation speed or sound to signal the mechanical shift before Dorian explains it.

**4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS**

*   **Economy of Adverbs:** *ORIGINAL:* "...the Starfall Drift was no longer a storm; it was a luminous, stable aurora..." 
    *   *Improvement:* "The Starfall Drift was no longer a storm; it was an aurora, fixed and humming over the peaks." (Rationale: Mira’s voice is tactile/action-oriented; "stable" is a bit clinical for her.)
*   **Tightening Dialogue Tags:** *ORIGINAL:* "Malchor shrieked." 
    *   *Improvement:* "Malchor’s voice tore." (Rationale: Keeps the "sound/groan" motif established earlier in the chapter.)

**5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS**

*   **Do Not Fix:** Mira’s use of "past and rot." It is her "furious" marker and must remain, even if it feels archaic.
*   **Do Not Fix:** Dorian’s "The evidence suggests." It is a vital character tic.
*   **Do Not Fix:** The phrase "Obviously" used as sarcasm.
*   **Do Not Fix:** The "verbal imperfections" in Dorian’s speech (incomplete sentences). These are intentional markers of his emotional armor breaking down.

**6. VERDICT:**

**REVISE** (Due to the "ten chapters" fourth-wall break and the Dorian Thorne/Solas surname inconsistency). Once these technical errors are addressed, the prose is highly effective.