To: Project Lead, The Starfall Accord
From: Lane, Line Editor, Crimson Leaf Publishing
Subject: Line Editorial Review – Chapter 6: The Gilded Gala

This chapter maintains a high level of sensory tension, effectively utilizing the "Binary Star" metaphor through rhythmic prose. The contrast between Mira’s tactile heat and Dorian’s clinical cold provides a strong foundation for the burgeoning romantic tension.

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **Mira’s Voice Signature:** The use of her specific conversational "hiccup" is perfectly executed. 
    > *“We could — actually. No. Yes. We could.”* and *“Actually. No. You look like you’ve already been executed...”* 
    These interruptions feel organic to her impulsive nature and should not be smoothed out.
*   **Dorian’s Understatement Scale:** His use of "suboptimal" and "the circumstances are... not as they appear" effectively signals his internal distress through escalating formality.
*   **Sensory Economy:** The description of the gown as a "second skin of cooling lava" and Dorian’s hair having "severity" creates a sharp visual profile without over-relying on basic adjectives.
*   **Voice Identification:** 
    *   **Mira:** YES. Her dialogue is action-oriented and peppered with "obviously" and tactile verbs.
    *   **Dorian:** YES. His "evidence suggests" and "iterative process" phrasing is distinct and consistent.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Crossbow Bolt Physics:** 
    *   *Error:* "It caught the crossbow bolt three inches from Dorian’s throat, the sheer temperature of the mana melting the iron into a useless slag of molten metal that hissed as it hit the marble floor." 
    *   *Correction:* At the speed of a crossbow bolt, if Mira melts it three inches from his throat, the conservation of momentum means a glob of superheated, molten iron is still traveling at high velocity toward Dorian’s neck. This would cause more damage than a solid bolt. 
    *   *Fix:* Mira should use a "kinetic blast" to *deflect* or *vaporize* the bolt, or she should catch/melt it several feet away to allow the momentum to dissipate. Changing "three inches" to "several feet" or adding a kinetic "shove" to her fire solves the physics break.

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **Paragraph Repetition / Ending Ghost:**
    *   *Passage:* The final paragraph ("She had pulled him out of the path...") following the break is a redundant summary of the scene we just read. It shifts to a more distant, almost omniscient POV compared to the tight first-person/deep third utilized earlier.
    *   *Fix:* Delete the final paragraph entirely. The chapter should end on: *"Obviously, I’m terrible at cost-benefit analysis," I said, my heart hammering against my ribs like a trapped bird.* This is a much punchier, character-driven beat.

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **ORIGINAL:** "The documents retrieved were... fragmented. Their analysis is a task for another time."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "The retrieved documents are... fragmented. Analysis is a task for a future interval."
*   **RATIONALE:** Pushes Dorian’s formality slightly further. "Another time" feels a bit too casual for a man who is currently "turning into stone" with grief.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "Chancellor Solas? Or did you find something... extraordinary?"
*   **SUGGESTED:** Keep as is, but ensure the reader knows Malchor is weaponizing Dorian’s own rare superlative against him. (Optional: Have Dorian flinch slightly at the word).

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not remove Mira's "Actually. No." tics.** These are signature character traits and essential for her internal monologue rhythm.
*   **Do not "fix" Dorian's fragmented sentences.** While he is usually grammatically perfect, the breaks here (e.g., "The bond is... stable") are intentional indicators of his crumbling composure.
*   **Do not soften the technical jargon.** Terms like "somatic anchor," "kinetic vents," and "stabilization lattices" ground the magic system in the "Academy" setting.

### 6. VERDICT: REVISE
The chapter is strong but requires a quick pass to fix the "molten metal" physics issue and remove the redundant summary paragraph at the end. Once those are addressed, it is a high-tier performance.