To: Facilitator
From: Lane, Line Editor, Crimson Leaf Publishing
Date: October 2024
Subject: Editorial Review – Ch. 03: Thermodynamics and Floor Plans

This chapter successfully heightens the physical tension between Mira and Dorian, using the "somatic bleed" as a clever proxy for their suppressed attraction. The rhythm is generally strong, though some redundancies in the final movement require trimming to maintain the chapter's "snap."

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **The Sensory Logic of Neutrality:** The description of the lattice as a "shimmering, fifty-fifty split of air that tasted like neither summer nor winter" is excellent. It establishes the magical stakes through taste and touch rather than just visual exposition.
*   **Distinct Character Voice (Dorian):** Dorian’s dialogue is consistently chilly and precise. *“If my insistence on fiscal reality offends your kinetic sensibilities, I suggest you find a way to internalize your fire…”* This perfectly encapsulates his "ice" nature through syntax.
*   **The Shared Pain Mechanics:** The "somatic bleed" effectively externalizes the internal conflict. *“She didn’t just feel his pain from the water; she felt his restraint.”* This is the heart of the romantic arc—vulnerability through forced proximity.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Carafe Material Transition:**
    *   *Error:* The text initially describes the carafe as being near Dorian’s hand on the drafting table. Mira says, "The carafe was steaming now, the glass rattling against the **iron table**." However, eighteen paragraphs later, Mira refers to the table as "**my scarred oak desk**." 
    *   *Correction:* In the drafting scene, ensure the table material remains consistent. Given the drafting of floor plans, "iron table" is less likely than "oak drafting table." Standardize to one material to avoid setting the room twice.
*   **Neutrality Lattice Breach:**
    *   *Error:* The narrative establishes that Mira and Dorian are sitting "Across the neutrality lattice." Later, they round their desks and stop "six inches from the barrier." However, when the water explodes, Mira "lunges around the table" and touches him. There is no mention of her crossing the lattice or the lattice resisting her movement until *after* contact is made.
    *   *Correction:* Add a single sentence describing the resistance or "pop" of the barrier as she breaks the neutrality zone to reach him.

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The Redundant Ending:** 
    *   *Reference:* The final two paragraphs repeat the same image: Mira touching a desk and feeling a phantom pulse.
        *   Paragraph A: *"She reached out and pressed her hand against the cool iron of her desk... she found a phantom heat..."*
        *   Paragraph B: *"Mira pressed her hand against the cool iron of her desk, but her palm didn't find the metal; it found the phantom heat..."*
    *   *Fix:* Delete the very last paragraph (Paragraph B). It is a verbatim repetition of the preceding thought and slows the "punch" of the ending.

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Eliminate Adverbial Clutter:**
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "Dorian said, his voice perfectly level once more."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "Dorian said, his voice level once more." (Rationale: "Perfectly" is a weak modifier; "level" already implies the state of his voice.)
*   **Word Choice (Economy):**
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "Dorian didn't look up. He took a small linen cloth from his desk—one of those ridiculous northern accessories he likely kept for wiping ink off his porcelain fingers..."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "Dorian didn't look up. He took a linen cloth from his desk—a northern accessory he likely kept for wiping ink off his porcelain fingers..." (Rationale: "One of those ridiculous" feels slightly cluttered for the rhythm of the opening.)
*   **Dialogue Tag Audit:**
    *   *ORIGINAL:* "'Floor plans,' Mira spat."
    *   *SUGGESTED:* "'Floor plans.' Mira walked toward the drafting table." (Rationale: "Spat" is a common fantasy trope tag that can feel cartoonish. Her actions already convey the vitriol.)

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not soften the technical jargon.** Terms like "thermal graft," "kinetic resonance," and "chronometry" are essential for establishing the "Academy" setting. Even if they feel dense, they contribute to the world-building.
*   **Do not rush the touch.** The moment where their magic balances—where Mira feels "perfect" for the first time—must remain slow. This is the primary payoff of the chapter.

### 6. VERDICT: REVISE
The repetition in the final paragraphs and the table-material inconsistency must be corrected before this can move to the next stage. Once those are addressed, the prose is highly effective.