To: Project Lead, The Starfall Accord
From: Lane, Line Editor, Crimson Leaf Publishing

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **The "Grey" as a Political Force:** The transformation of a magical anomaly into a tool of passive resistance is excellent. Particularly: *"The Marshals’ kinetic-rods hit the mist and hissed, the gold light being swallowed by the neutral frequency."*
*   **Dorian’s Rhythmic Understatement:** His "The evidence suggests" tic is used effectively here to weaponize his clinical nature against the Ministry.
*   **Visual Contrast:** The "solar-gold" of the Ministry vs. the "mercury-grey" of the Academy creates a strong, distinct visual palette for the conflict.
*   **Voice Signatures:**
    *   **Mira:** Yes. Identified by "Actually. No," her fire-based physical reactions (singeing toast), and her adversarial relationship with Voss.
    *   **Dorian:** Yes. Identified by his "The evidence suggests" framing and his cold, analytical precision even under pressure.
    *   **Voss/Ministry:** Yes. Defined by bureaucratic jargon and high-frequency "whirring" gold magic.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **Aric’s Legacy:** In Scene B, the text mentions "Aric Pyre Chair" and then later refers to "the boy we had lost." Per the RAG [character-state], Aric was killed by a Ministry void-bolt in Ch10. However, the tone in Scene B suggests a student-level loss. 
    *   *Correction:* Ensure the text reflects that Aric was a peer/protege whose sacrifice is the reason the current students are so radicalized.
*   **Dorian’s Restored Hand:** The text mentions Dorian's "restored right hand" multiple times. Per RAG, this was restored in Ch17 (the current chapter context).
    *   *Correction:* Ensure we don't over-explain the restoration; treat it as a recent but established fact of the current scene.

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The "Twelve Day" Logic:** In the Great Hall, Dorian reveals the decree was signed three days ago.
    *   *Passage:* *"The twelfth day was three days ago. Before the Gala. Before the 'incident' you claim necessitated this Emergency Decree."* 
    *   *The Fix:* Clarify the specific timeline. If the Gala happened "last night" in the narrative arc, the "three days ago" needs to be explicitly tied to the Ministry's travel time to prove they left the Capital with the intent to seize before the "instability" even occurred.
*   **Phalanx Movement:** In Scene B, the Commander stops three feet away due to steam. 
    *   *Passage:* *"He stopped three feet away, his metal boots slipping on a patch of... frost? No. Not frost. Steam."*
    *   *The Fix:* Mention the Steam Phoenix's presence *slightly* earlier or describe the physical change in the floor more clearly so the transition from a "patch" to a "Phoenix" feels less abrupt.

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Rhythm/Economy (Dorian):** ORIGINAL: *"A location... not conducive to... unauthorized research."* → SUGGESTED: *"A location... poorly suited for... unauthorized research."* (Rationale: "Conducive" is a bit soft for the high-stakes moment; "suited" provides a sharper consonant ending).
*   **Adverb Audit:** ORIGINAL: *"Voss hissed an oily curse, but he didn't argue."* → SUGGESTED: *"Voss hissed a curse, his lip curling, but he didn't argue."* (Rationale: "Oily" is a weak adjective for a sound; showing the lip curl provides better visual characterization).

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not remove Mira’s "Actually. No." tics.** These are her cognitive reset buttons and essential to her voice.
*   **Do not "smooth out" Dorian’s technical jargon.** His tendency to describe a bird as a "self-sustaining thermodynamic anomaly" is the core of his character's clinical mask.
*   **Do not reduce the repetition of "Mercury-Grey" and "Solar-Gold."** These are the branding of the two factions and need to remain repetitive for thematic weight.

### 6. VERDICT

**REVISE**
(The timeline/logic of the "three days ago" signature needs a slight sharpening to ensure the legal "trap" Dorian sets is crystal clear to the reader.)