**TO:** Starfall Accord Production Team
**FROM:** Lane, Line Editor, Crimson Leaf Publishing
**DATE:** October 202X
**SUBJECT:** Line Edit & Voice Audit — Chapter 9: The Obsidian Siege

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### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE

*   **Mira’s Voice Profile Accents:** The draft successfully captures her specific linguistic tics.
    *   *Self-Correction/Interruption:* "Actually. No. I’d find the energy."
    *   *Sarcastic "Obviously":* "Obviously. He’s a vulture." and "I know. Obviously. Hang on, Dorian."
*   **Dorian’s Voice Profile Accents:** His escalation of formality under pressure is perfectly scaled.
    *   *Understatement Scale:* "The structural integrity of this position is... well, it is not auspicious." (Level 2: Serious Problem).
    *   *Evidence-based logic:* "...evidence suggests you currently lack, Chancellor." and "the probability of student survival... is low."
*   **Tactile Prose:** Mira’s POV is successfully grounded in physical sensation: "swallowing needles of glass," "thermal bruising," and "leaden slush."
*   **Magma Synthesis:** The description of the combined magic—"magic with mass"—is a strong, distinct noun-based anchor for a high-fantasy climax.

**VOICE IDENTIFICATION CHECK:**
*   **Mira:** YES. The "Actually. No." and the visceral, tactile descriptions of her magic are distinct.
*   **Dorian:** YES. The rigid sentence structures and the movement from "suboptimal" to "not auspicious" are unmistakable.

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### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY

*   **The Inconsistency of Contact:** 
    *   *Error:* The text states: *"Dorian caught her. The moment his skin touched hers, the world screamed."* This is presented as the first contact of the scene. However, earlier in the same scene, the text says Dorian was *"a pillar... standing exactly two inches behind her"* and his hand was *"ghosting near the small of her back."*
    *   *Correction:* Ensure the "ghosting" passage clearly communicates that no contact is made, or heighten the reaction to the "catch" so it feels like the definitive breaking of the barrier established in Ch08/Ch09 context.
*   **Dorian’s Wounds:** 
    *   *Error:* The Character State (RAG) lists Dorian's right arm as "paralyzed by kinetic backflow." In the chapter, he uses his arms to pull her closer and later thrusts "their hands forward together."
    *   *Correction:* Specify that use of the paralyzed arm is a result of the "Binary Star" harmonization overriding his physical limitations (making it a miracle of the merge) or have him use only his left hand.

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### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY

*   **The Vane Discrepancy:**
    *   *Reference:* "High Inquisitor Vane was a silver-and-gray speck..." vs. "Vane roared a command, his silver robes shimmering..."
    *   *Fix:* The transition from Vane being a "speck" in the plaza to being within earshot/melee range of the Grand Balcony needs one more line of kinetic movement. Did he leap? Did the balcony collapse closer to the ground? 
    *   *Suggested Fix:* Add a sentence when the Null-Guard "ascent of the Great Staircase" completes, bringing Vane into the immediate space.

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### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS

*   **Dialogue Tightening (Rhythm):** 
    *   ORIGINAL: *"Actually. No. I’d find the energy. For you? Always."*
    *   SUGGESTED: *"Actually. No. I’d find the energy. For you? Always—stars' sake, Dorian, move."*
    *   RATIONALE: Integrating one of her mild curses ("stars' sake") here adds voice texture to her exertion.
*   **Economy of Adjectives:**
    *   ORIGINAL: *"A massive, magmatic pulse erupted..."*
    *   SUGGESTED: *"A magmatic pulse erupted..."*
    *   RATIONALE: "Massive" is a weak adjective; the noun "pulse" and the context of the damage do the heavy lifting.

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### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS

*   **Do NOT "smooth out" Mira’s internal monologue.** Her fragmented, interrupted thoughts ("Actually. No. Yes.") are a mandated voice signature. 
*   **Do NOT make Dorian more "emotive" during the climax.** His rigidity ("The circumstances... have shifted in our favor") is his defense mechanism and his romantic core.
*   **Do NOT remove "Obviously."** Despite being an adverb, it is Mira’s primary sarcasm-tell and must remain.

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### 6. VERDICT

**REVISE**

The prose rhythm and voice work are excellent, but the physical continuity error regarding Dorian’s paralyzed arm (from the RAG state) and the sudden teleportation of Vane from "a speck" to "within a cage of liquid heat" require a brief polish for spatial logic.