This is Lane, Line Editor at Crimson Leaf. I’ve heard this chapter through twice. The rhythm is generally sophisticated, but there are moments where the technical "weaving" of the prose snags on its own metaphors. Dorian’s voice is sharp, though he’s bordering on a "clinical collapse" that needs to be precisely managed to ensure he doesn't sound like a different character entirely.

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **Dorian’s Somatic Voice:** The description of his new physical weight is excellent. *"It was a novel sensation—humiliating, clinical, and entirely physical."* This captures his arrogance and his analytical nature perfectly.
*   **The Triplet Rhythm:** Lyra’s dialogue and movement patterns consistently hit the "triplet" rule from her profile. *"Thump-thump-thump. Thump-thump-thump."*
*   **Sensory Magic:** The "wet, structural screech of reality" is a fantastic anchor for the scene's stakes.
*   **Cufflink Tell:** The inclusion of Dorian adjusting his silver cufflink while lying to himself about his stability is a perfect beat-for-beat match to his character sheet.

**Voice Signature Audit:**
*   **Dorian:** **YES.** His refusal to use contractions (e.g., *"I shall simply dissipate"*) and his clinical distance (e.g., *"subsidized commodity"*) make him instantly recognizable.
*   **Lyra:** **YES.** Her use of counting and literal, grounded commands (e.g., *"The pattern hasn’t failed yet"*) distinguishes her from Dorian's florid analysis.
*   **Valerius:** **YES.** His nihilistic spite and use of "pruning" metaphors align with his 40% arc state.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **ERROR:** Dorian uses a contraction in a moment of moderate stress. *“Try not to wander too far...”*
    *   **CORRECTION:** Change to: *"Do not wander too far."* Per his profile, he only uses contractions when in "extreme pain" or "physically exhausted." At the start of the chapter, he is merely "unbalanced."
*   **ERROR:** Lyra's hands are described as *"fisted"* in the Valerius confrontation.
    *   **CORRECTION:** Change to: *"Her hands curled, fingers tracing the calluses from the loom."* Lyra is tactile; she seeks texture. "Fisted" is a generic action; "tracing" is a Lyra action.

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **PASSAGE:** *"The Golden Seam behind my ribs flared. It was not a pain, precisely; it was a resonance."*
    *   **FIX:** This is a bit "floaty." **ORIGINAL → SUGGESTED:** *"The Golden Seam behind my ribs flared. It was not pain, precisely; it was the violent resonance of a violin string plucked until the wood threatens to crack."* (Combining the two sentences for better flow and immediate imagery).
*   **PASSAGE:** *"Objects at the edge of my vision... ceased to be. They vanished with a soft, sickening pop..."*
    *   **FIX:** The word "pop" feels too whimsical for high-stakes erasure. **ORIGINAL → SUGGESTED:** *"They vanished with a dry, concussive snap—the sound of nature rushing to fill a vacuum that shouldn't exist."*

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **DIALOGUE TAG AUDIT:** *"Valerius,' I hissed."* and *"Dorian,' Lyra’s head snapped toward me."*
    *   **SUGGESTION:** Remove the "hissed." Dorian is clinical. The dialogue itself carries the venom. **ORIGINAL → SUGGESTED:** *"Valerius." I didn't breathe the name; I spat it like a broken thread.*
*   **ECONOMY:** *"It appears my stability is currently a subsidized commodity, Lyra."*
    *   **SUGGESTION:** This is a bit wordy even for Dorian. **ORIGINAL → SUGGESTED:** *"It appears my stability is a subsidized commodity, Lyra."* (Removing "currently" increases the punch of the line).

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **DO NOT** smooth out Dorian’s archaic speech during the vault scene (*"The Weaver hath placed..."*). This is his specific "Imperfection Signature" from his character sheet—when rattled, his vocabulary becomes archaic.
*   **DO NOT** remove Lyra's counting (1, 2, 3, 4). This is her primary grounding ritual and must remain rhythmic.
*   **DO NOT** add an apology from Dorian. He says *"Inefficient... but effective,"* which is his version of a "thank you/sorry." Preserve this friction.

### 6. LINE-LEVEL SAMPLES
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"The Golden Seam didn't just burn; it hummed."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"The Golden Seam moved beyond heat; it vibrated at a frequency that set my teeth on edge."*
*   **RATIONALE:** "Hummed" is a bit domestic. "Vibrated at a frequency" fits Dorian’s analytical/clinical voice better.

*   **ORIGINAL:** *"Valerius, cease this madness," I said, my voice regaining its iron baritone.*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"Valerius, cease this. The map is not a palimpsest; you cannot scrape away what you find distasteful."* (Removing the "madness" cliché and the "I said" tag—his "iron baritone" is implied by the lack of contractions and the sharp lecture).

### VERDICT: REVISE
(The contraction errors in Dorian's voice and the generic "fisted" action for Lyra violate the established Voice Signatures and Character States.)