This is Lane. I’ve heard the rhythm of these pages, and while the core imagery is arresting, there are mechanical hitches in the dialogue and some "adverbial fluff" that’s dampening the tension. We need to tighten the stitches.

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **Tactile Magic:** The description of the "Blank" infection as "the color of a page before the first word is written" is stunning. It tethers the high fantasy to the central metaphor of the series.
*   **The Cost of Weaving:** The trade-off—losing the memory of her mother’s voice for a stitch—provides the necessary weight for a climax.
*   **Voice Differentiation:** 
    *   **Dorian:** YES. His refusal to use contractions, even while dying ("It is... the only logical... necessity remaining"), and his clinical vocabulary ("environmental shift") are perfectly aligned with his profile.
    *   **Lyra:** YES. Her counting "One, two, three, four" provides a rhythmic somatic anchor that distinguishes her POV from the others.
    *   **Valerius:** YES. His condescension ("The experiment is over") fits the Guild antagonist mold.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Map’s Location:** 
    *   **Error:** Valerius says the map is carried "in your marrow." The RAG context states Lyra "finished the map" (Ch-01) and "the localized manifestation... is seen as a catastrophic breach" (Ch-08). However, it doesn't explicitly state the map is *biological* marrow. If it is literal marrow, this needs to have been established as a physical ailment/state earlier.
    *   **Correction:** Ensure the "marrow" comment aligns with whether the map is a physical object she carries or a magical engraving on her skeleton.
*   **The Ink-Rot Progression:**
    *   **Error:** In the beginning, the ink-rot makes her veins feel like a "fever." At the end, it feels "heavy, like lead." While this shows progression, the transition from "stabilized" (RAG) to "advanced" (Text) happens very fast without a clear trigger other than "stress."
    *   **Correction:** Add a single line during the stitching process where she feels the ink-rot "drink" the excess energy, explaining the sudden advancement.

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The Chronos-Freeze Mechanics:**
    *   **Passage:** "Behind them, Valerius stepped through the frozen droplets of black rain..."
    *   **Problem:** If time is frozen (Chronos-Freeze), Valerius's ability to move and speak "perfectly clear" needs a brief mechanical justification. Is he shielded by the Guild?
    *   **Fix:** Add a brief mention of a "flickering chronometer on his wrist" or a "shimmering field of 'Now'" surrounding him to explain why he isn't frozen like the rain.

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **Dialogue Tag Audit:** 
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "'A fascinating collapse,' Valerius remarked, his voice perfectly clear in the temporal stasis." → **SUGGESTED:** "'A fascinating collapse,' Valerius said. His voice cut through the temporal stasis, sterile and sharp." 
    *   **Rationale:** "Remarked" is a "fancy" tag that draws attention away from the chilling dialogue. 
*   **Adverb Cull:**
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "...her voice dropping into a terrifyingly literal flatline." → **SUGGESTED:** "...her voice dropping into a literal flatline." 
    *   **Rationale:** "Terrifyingly" tells the reader how to feel. The "flatline" description is strong enough to convey the terror on its own.
*   **Rhythm Tightening:**
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "The world didn't just break; it inverted." → **SUGGESTED:** "The world inverted."
    *   **Rationale:** The "didn't just" construction is filler. Directness hits harder here.

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Dorian's Formalism:** Do NOT add contractions to Dorian’s speech (e.g., changing "It is" to "It's"). His lack of contractions is a core voice signature.
*   **Lyra's Counting:** The repetition of "One, two, three, four" must remain. It is her "imperfection signature" and grounding ritual.
*   **Metaphor Overload:** The weaving/thread metaphors are pervasive, but they are character-driven. Do not "simplify" them into standard magical terms.

### 6. LINE-BY-LINE SUGGESTIONS
*   **ORIGINAL:** "He didn't look at her eyes." (Para 4) → **SUGGESTED:** "He avoided her eyes." 
    *   **Rationale:** Stronger verb.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "Lyra didn't turn. She didn't give him the satisfaction of her fear." (Para 10) → **SUGGESTED:** "Lyra didn't turn. She refused him the tribute of her fear."
    *   **Rationale:** "Refused him the tribute" fits the high-stakes, slightly archaic tone of the world better than "satisfaction."

**VERDICT: REVISE**
(The Chronos-Freeze logic and the "marrow" map continuity need to be tight before we move this to the next stage.)