**1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE**
*   **Mira’s Voice Signature (Sarcasm/Interruption):** "Obviously," I snapped, the sarcasm a habit I couldn't quit..." and "Actually. No. Yes" behavior (e.g., "Actually. No," I corrected him, using my favorite mid-thought pivot).
*   **Dorian’s Formal Understatement:** "The circumstances are... not auspicious" and "The evidence suggests... we are alive."
*   **Sensory Detail:** The tactile shift from "biting cold" to "lukewarm" stone and the scent of "rain on a hot dusty road" effectively signals the world-state change.
*   **The Binary Star/Grey Imagery:** The literalization of the "Grey Era" through the aurora and the physical merging of the schools via the cloud bridge.

**VOICE CHECK:**
*   **Mira:** YES. Uses "Burning memory," "Past and rot," and "Stars' sake" in correct emotional tiers.
*   **Dorian:** YES. Maintains "The evidence suggests" and grammatically complete structures until the very end ("Obviously").

**2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY**
*   **ERROR:** Character Name Inconsistency. The text refers to Dorian as both "Dorian Solas" (twice) and "Dorian Thorne" (once, via Kaelen).
    *   **CONTEXT:** The Character State (Ch-12) and Character Voice Profile established his name as **Dorian Solas**.
    *   **FIX:** Change "Regent Thorne" to "Regent Solas" in the dialogue: *"Regent Solas," Dorian corrected him softly.*
*   **ERROR:** Sigil Location. The text states: "...white-hot lightning that had screamed between Dorian’s hand and my **chest**."
    *   **CONTEXT:** Chapter 10 (and the Character State for Ch-12) established that the Binary Star sigil is on Dorian’s **right hand** and Mira’s **left hand**.
    *   **FIX:** Change "my chest" to "my palm" or "my hand" to maintain the hand-to-hand bond established in the arena.

**3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY**
*   **PASSAGE:** "...the 'Correction Clause' has been overridden."
    *   **ISSUE:** This is the first mention of a "Correction Clause" in the manuscript. While the reader understands it refers to the leash/pain mechanism, introducing a specific legalistic term in the final chapter feels like a dropped thread from a previous (non-existent) contract scene.
    *   **FIX:** Change to "The feedback mechanism" or "The resonance tether" to align with Ch-02/Ch-05 terminology.
*   **PASSAGE:** "I was sitting a few feet away... He was looking at his hand."
    *   **ISSUE:** The transition from the "White Light" to the "Waking Up" scene is slightly jarring regarding their physical positions.
    *   **FIX:** Briefly specify that they are no longer touching when they wake, explaining why Dorian is "a few feet away" despite the previous "total merge."

**4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS**
*   **Sigil Visibility (Optional):** Mentioning if the sigil on Mira’s hand changed color to match Dorian’s "silvery scar" would provide a nice visual symmetry to the "Grey" theme.
*   **The "Weave of Ages" (Optional):** The Character State mentions Mira knows a secret about being "progenitors of a new magical lineage" after seeing the "Weave of Ages." A brief internal monologue or a sharp look between her and Dorian regarding the "implications" would tie this RAG fact into the prose more firmly.

**5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS**
*   **DO NOT** fix Mira’s run-on sentences during the peak of the surge (e.g., "I was the glacier and the volcano..."). This is her "excited/emotional" voice signature.
*   **DO NOT** smooth out Dorian’s "The evidence suggests" or Mira’s "Obviously." These are intentional character identifiers.
*   **DO NOT** remove the "15-foot leash" limitation mention; it is a hard rule of the world state that must be referenced to show it has been broken.

**6. VERDICT**

**REVISE**
(Must correct the name "Thorne" vs "Solas" and the sigil placement on the chest vs the hand to ensure absolute continuity with the series bible.)