**1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE**
*   **Voice Signature (Mira):** The use of "Obviously" to signal sarcasm and the "Past and rot" curse are perfectly executed. *“Obviously, your researchers are idiots... it’s a 'past and rot' no.”* This aligns with the non-negotiable character profile.
*   **Voice Signature (Dorian):** His systemic understatement during a life-threatening crisis is excellent. *"The volume of the threat is... significant. I suspect my survival is... unlikely."* This heightens the tension through contrast.
*   **Tactile Narrative:** Mira’s physical connection to the magic—*“the precise, glacial chill of his concentration”*—maintains the sensual yet tasteful adult romance tone established in the project goal.
*   **Rhythmic Culmination:** The sentence *“Dorian Solas—the man of absolute zero, the king of the glacier—erupted”* provides a powerful rhythmic payoff to the chapter's build-up.

**VOICE CHECK:**
*   **Mira:** YES. Her internal interruptions (*"We could—actually. No."*) and tactile descriptions are distinct. 
*   **Dorian:** YES. His use of "The evidence suggests" and grammatically complete sentences (until the very end) makes him immediately identifiable.

**2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY**
*   **ERROR:** The text states, *"High Inquisitor Vane was gone... We had won. The world was stable."* However, the **World State (ch-11)** and **NPC Memory** from the RAG database clearly state the Ministry is **HOSTILE**, students are **TRAUMATIZED/COMATOSE**, and the Ministry Witnessed a **lethal failure**.
*   **CORRECTION:** The opening paragraphs must reflect a "fragile truce" or "tense aftermath" rather than a total victory. Mira shouldn't feel the world is stable when Elara is comatose and the Ministry is appalled. 
*   **ERROR:** The RAG character state for Dorian notes a *"paralyzed right arm"* and *"nerve-scorch"* from the arena disaster.
*   **CORRECTION:** Dorian shouldn't just have "singed cuffs." He should be struggling with physical limitations from the previous chapter’s kinetic impact during the assassination attempt.

**3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY**
*   **PASSAGE:** *"I saw it through the bleed: Dorian backed against the archive wall..."*
*   **FIX:** "The bleed" is a new term. It is contextually understandable but should be explicitly linked to the **tether** or **resonance** mentioned earlier to ensure the reader knows this is a sensory projection, not Mira's physical location. 
*   **PASSAGE:** *"The flight back to the Nexus was a blur of kinetic speed."*
*   **FIX:** This transition is jarring. Mira was on the Southern Spur (3 miles away). Mentioning how she bypassed the guards who were just surrounding her would smooth the transition.

**4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS**
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"The sky above us was no longer a battlefield."* → **SUGGESTED:** *"The sky above us was a bruised tapestry of our last stand."* 
    *Rationale:* Since the world is not actually "stable" yet (per RAG context), this better reflects the lingering trauma of the Starfall loop while maintaining the aurora imagery.
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"Dorian was leaning against the scorched remains of a bookshelf."* → **SUGGESTED:** *"Dorian leaned against a scorched shelf, his right arm hanging with heavy, useless stillness."*
    *Rationale:* Incorporates the "paralyzed arm" continuity point with more economy.

**5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS**
*   **DO NOT** smooth out Mira’s fragmented thoughts (*"Actually. No. I couldn't."*). These are her voice signatures.
*   **DO NOT** make Dorian use more emotive language during the battle. His "Suboptimal" / "Auspicious" scale is his primary character defense mechanism.
*   **DO NOT** remove the "Grey Era" or "Binary Star" terminology; these are established world-building anchors.

**6. VERDICT**
**REVISE.** 
While the voice work is exceptional and the prose rhythm is strong, the chapter contradicts the established **Character State** (Dorian's paralysis) and **World State** (the immediate fallout and trauma of the arena disaster) provided in the RAG context. The opening tone is too "happily ever after" for a mid-novel crisis point.