Hello. Lane here. I’ve just finished reading the draft of Chapter 17. 

This is a pivotal moment in *The Starfall Accord*. The pacing is appropriately frantic, and you’ve captured the transition from "vibrant school" to "military occupation" with several sharp visual cues. However, we have some linguistic "fat" to trim, a few clunky dialogue tags to sharpen, and one or Rees accidental language switches to address.

Here is my line-level audit.

### 1. STRENGTHS
*   **Visceral Imagery:** The description of the students being processed is harrowing. Using "water-aspected suppression wands" against fire students and "heated brands" against ice students is a smart, cruel touch that reinforces the elemental stakes.
*   **The Power Nullification:** The description of Mira’s fire hitting a "wall of lead" feels heavy and suffocating—a great sensory translation of power loss.
*   **The Ending:** The final metaphor comparing the carriage bolts to a guillotine is punchy and provides the "clunk" the scene needs to end on a cliffhanger.

### 2. CONCERNS

**A. Language Consistency (High Priority)**
There is a Vietnamese phrase ("phản ứng") left in the second paragraph. This pulls the reader out of the secondary world immediately.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "...a phản ứng to the sudden, violent shift in the atmosphere."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...a **reflex** to the sudden, violent shift in the atmosphere." 

**B. Redundant Modifiers and "Telling" Dialogue Tags**
You have a tendency to use adverbs to explain an emotion that the dialogue or action has already conveyed. Let the nouns and verbs do the heavy lifting.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "...Dorian said, his voice a low, dangerous glacier."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...Dorian said, his voice a low glacier." 
*   *Rationale:* Adding "dangerous" is gilding the lily. A "low glacier" already implies a cold, crushing threat.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "The carriage doors slammed shut, the heavy bolts sliding home with the finality of a guillotine."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "The carriage doors slammed. Heavy bolts slid home with the finality of a guillotine."
*   *Rationale:* Breaking this into two sentences increases the percussive rhythm of the "slam."

**C. Economy of Phrasing**
Some sentences are "over-written," trying to use three adjectives where one strong noun would suffice.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "...the rhythmic, heavy thud of enchanted boots began to drown out the gasps of the gathered students."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...the rhythmic hammer of enchanted boots drowned the students' gasps."
*   *Rationale:* "Hammer" is more evocative than "thud." "Began to drown out" is passive; "drowned" is active.

**D. Dialogue Tags & Action Beats**
*   **ORIGINAL:** "'Stand down, Dorian!' General Kael shouted."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "'Stand down, Dorian!' Kael’s voice cut through the clash of steel."
*   *Rationale:* We know he’s shouting because of the exclamation point. Give us an action beat that describes the *environment* instead.

**E. Distinct Voices**
Kael’s dialogue is a bit "standard villain." He uses phrases like "This union is a contagion, and the cure has arrived." It’s a bit melodramatic for a YA audience that prefers grit. 
*   **Line Edit Suggestion:** 
    *   **ORIGINAL:** "The Starfall Accord is hereby nullified. This union is a contagion, and the cure has arrived."
    *   **SUGGESTED:** "The Starfall Accord is dead. I’m here to burn out the rot before it spreads." 
    *   *Rationale:* Shorter sentences feel more authoritative and military.

### 3. LINE-LEVEL SUGGESTIONS

**1. ORIGINAL:** "Beside her, Dorian remained a statue of frost, his fingers twitching..."
**SUGGESTED:** "Beside her, Dorian was a statue of frost, his fingers twitching..."
**RATIONALE:** "Remained" is a static verb. "Was" is cleaner, or better yet: "Dorian stood as a statue of frost."

**2. ORIGINAL:** "General Kael did not enter the academy so much as he reclaimed it."
**SUGGESTED:** "General Kael didn't enter the academy; he reclaimed it."
**RATIONALE:** "So much as" is wordy filler. The semicolon creates a sharper contrast.

**3. ORIGINAL:** "Mira watched in horror as the Legionnaires produced heavy, jagged rings of blackened iron. Dimmer-shackles."
**SUGGESTED:** "Legionnaires produced heavy, jagged rings of blackened iron—dimmer-shackles."
**RATIONALE:** "Mira watched in horror" is telling the reader how to feel. Showing the shackles and naming them immediately is more effective.

**4. ORIGINAL:** "One of the soldiers slammed the butt of a spear into the ribs of a boy named Leo, who had spent the morning learning how to weave embers into light-spheres."
**SUGGESTED:** "A soldier slammed a spear-butt into Leo’s ribs—the same boy who, only hours ago, had woven embers into light."
**RATIONALE:** Tightens the prose and emphasizes the tragedy of the transition from student to victim.

**5. ORIGINAL:** "The carriage doors slammed shut, the heavy bolts sliding home with the finality of a guillotine."
**SUGGESTED:** "The carriage doors slammed. The bolts slid home with the finality of a guillotine."
**RATIONALE:** Short sentences create a "staccato" effect that mirrors the shutting doors.

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**VERDICT: Polish needed.**
The emotional beats are all in the right places, and the "severing" of their magic is handled beautifully. However, the prose needs a "de-cluttering" pass to remove redundant adjectives and fix the accidental non-English phrase. Once the rhythm is tightened, this will be a standout chapter.