Hello. Lane here. I’ve lived these lines out loud, and I can tell you the temperature in this chapter is high, but the prose is occasionally tripping over its own feet. You have a solid grasp of the "elemental" metaphor, but we need to trim the fat to let the tension breathe.

Here is my breakdown of **Chapter 16: The First Fracture.**

### 1. STRENGTHS
*   **Sensory Anchors:** You do an excellent job of rooting the magic in physical sensations. The "sweet, wood-smoke scent" clashing with "mint and ozone" creates a vivid olfactory profile for the romance.
*   **Atmospheric Power:** The opening image of the ink spreading like a bruise is evocative and sets the tone immediately.
*   **The "Groaning" Room:** I loved the environmental reaction to their intimacy—the vase cracking and turning to steam is a perfect "show, don't tell" for their volatile compatibility.

### 2. CONCERNS & LINE EDITS

#### I. Dialogue Tag Adverbs and Redundancies
We need to kill the "ly" adverbs and the explanatory tags. If the dialogue is strong, we don't need the stage directions to tell us how to feel.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "Another omen for the collection," Mira said, her voice tight enough to shatter glass.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Another omen for the collection." Mira’s voice was tight enough to shatter glass.
*   **RATIONALE:** Let the glass-shattering description stand as its own punchy sentence. "Mira said" is invisible; the description that follows is the real star.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "It isn't an omen, Mira. It’s a cheap instrument," Dorian replied, his voice a calculated frost.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "It isn't an omen, Mira. It’s a cheap instrument." Dorian’s voice was a calculated frost.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Calculated frost" is a strong noun-phrase. Don't bury it in a tag.

#### II. Economy of Motion
Some sentences are "over-staged," making the rhythm feel clunky.

*   **ORIGINAL:** Mira stood, her chair scraping harshly against the stone floor. She paced to the window, the hem of her crimson robes swishing like a flame.
*   **SUGGESTED:** Mira stood, her chair scraping the stone. She paced to the window, her crimson robes swishing like a flame.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Harshly" is redundant—chairs on stone are inherently harsh. "The hem of..." is unnecessary detail; "her robes" carries the same weight with less friction.

#### III. Filtering and Weak Verbs
You often "filter" the action through the characters' thoughts rather than letting the action happen.

*   **ORIGINAL:** Dorian felt his heartbeat accelerate—a rhythmic thrumming that felt like a drumbeat in a war he was losing.
*   **SUGGESTED:** Dorian’s heart accelerated—a drumbeat in a war he was losing.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Felt like" and "felt his" are filters. Removing them puts the reader directly inside his chest. Also, "rhythmic thrumming" is what a drumbeat *is*; we can cut the fluff.

#### IV. Distinctive Voice in Conflict
The transition from making out to fighting monsters is a bit "action-movie trope." Dorian's line at the end is a bit polished for a man who was just losing his mind with desire.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "Get your staff," Dorian said, the Chancellor returning to his voice, though his eyes remained fixed on her. "If we're going to burn, let's make sure they feel the heat."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Get your staff." The Chancellor returned to Dorian’s voice, though his eyes lingered on her mouth. "If we’re going to burn, we’ll make them feel the heat."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Tho his eyes remained fixed on her" is a bit wordy. "Lingered on her mouth" maintains the romantic tension even in the crisis.

### 3. THE "LANE" AUDIT (Quick Fire)
*   **Flagged Adjective:** "Massive rift." *Massive* is a filler word. Try *Jagged*, *Yawning*, or *Violent*.
*   **Dialogue Check:** "We are supposed to be beyond borders." This is a bit "on the nose." Is there a more character-specific way for a Fire Mage to say this? "The Accord was supposed to quench the fires, Dorian."

### VERDICT: POLISH NEEDED
The "bones" are good, and the chemistry is palpable. However, the prose is currently "cluttered" with adverbs and filter phrases. If you tighten the economy of your sentences, the emotional beats will hit much harder.

**Clean up the dialogue tags and trust your nouns more than your adjectives.**