Hello. I’m Lane. I’ve gone through "The Sparring Arena Disaster" with an ear for the beat and an eye for the "tell." You have a strong grasp of the "Rivals-to-Lovers" dynamic, and the elemental imagery is evocative, but the prose occasionally leans into YA tropes that dampen the tension.

Here is my line-level audit.

### 1. STRENGTHS
*   **The Sensory Conflict:** The contrast between "metallic tang of oncoming snow" and "molten heat" establishes the atmospheric stakes before the first spell is cast.
*   **Distinct Voice:** Dorian’s dialogue is appropriately stiff and architectural, contrasting well with Mira’s visceral, kinetic internal monologue.
*   **The Climax:** The "obsidian rose" is a fantastic physical manifestation of their combined power—it transforms a standard fight scene into a plot-driving incident.

### 2. CONCERNS & LINE EDITS

#### I. RHYTHM AND ECONOMY
There is a tendency to use two adjectives where one strong noun would suffice, or to over-explain a character's internal state when their actions already show it.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "...Dorian’s frost began to coat the obsidian floor, a silent, glittering challenge to the heat still radiating from my skin."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...Dorian’s frost began to coat the obsidian floor, a glittering challenge to the heat radiating from my skin."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Silent" is redundant; frost is inherently quiet. "Still" is a filler word. Removing them sharpens the rhythm.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "...his long, slate-grey coat sweeping against the frost-dusted stone."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...his slate-grey coat sweeping the frost-dusted stone."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Long" is implied by the fact that it’s "sweeping" the floor. "Against" is a weak preposition here.

#### II. DIALOGUE TAG AUDIT (ADVERBS)
I’m flagging the adverbs modifying dialogue. They tell the reader how to feel rather than letting the words do the work.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "“The students are watching, Mira,” he said, his voice carrying that familiar, effortless chill."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "“The students are watching, Mira.” His voice carried the familiar chill of a mountain pass."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Effortless" is a "telling" word. Give the chill a specific texture.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "“Is it?” I lunged."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "“Is it?” I didn't wait for his answer. I lunged."
*   **RATIONALE:** The "I lunged" following a question feels a bit clipped. Adding a beat of movement increases the aggression.

#### III. WEAK ADJECTIVES VS. STRONG NOUNS
*   **ORIGINAL:** "The silence was absolute, heavy with the scent of ozone..."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Silence pressed into the arena, heavy with ozone..."
*   **RATIONALE:** "The silence was absolute" is a cliché. Making "Silence" the subject that "presses" makes the atmosphere active.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "...his expression masked by the vapor, but I could feel the sheer arrogance of his stillness."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...his expression masked by vapor, but his stillness radiated arrogance."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Sheer" is a crutch word. Let the "stillness" do the work of radiating the emotion.

#### IV. THE "YA" POLISH
Since the target is YA, we want to avoid "Adult Romance" phrasing that feels out of place or overly melodramatic in a way that slows the pacing.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "The sensation was like being plunged into an arctic sea while standing in a furnace."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "It was an arctic sea inside a furnace."
*   **RATIONALE:** Avoid "The sensation was like..." or "I felt as if..." Go straight to the metaphor. It’s punchier.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "“Then we don’t hide it. We run.”"
*   **SUGGESTED:** "“Then we don’t hide it.” His fingers tightened on mine. “We run.”"
*   **RATIONALE:** The dialogue is a bit "movie trailer" cliché. Breaking it up with a physical action grounds the stakes in their burgeoning connection.

### 3. VERDICT

**POLISH NEEDED.**

The bones of this chapter are excellent. The escalation from a controlled spar to a structural disaster works perfectly for Chapter 4. However, the prose needs a "tightening" pass to remove redundant adjectives (silent, effortless, sheer, familiar) and to ensure the metaphors (like the furnace/arctic sea) are presented as direct experiences rather than descriptions.

**Specific Move:** Audit the middle section where they are holding the shield. The "mana veins" description is excellent—more of that visceral, bodily magic, and less "I felt" or "I thought."