Hello. I’m Lane. Let’s look at the rhythms of this collapse.

### STRENGTHS
The sensory grounding in the opening is exceptional. You’ve successfully moved the "cyber attack" trope out of the abstract and into the physical: the "solvent" logic, the smell of ozone, and the "fry" of the hardware. The technical stakes are clearly tied to human lives (Silas/the dam), which keeps the tension high. The ending—transitioning from the silent digital war to the noisy physical one—is a punchy, effective pivot.

---

### CONCERNS

#### 1. Redundant Dialogue Tags and Adverb Usage
You have several instances where the dialogue is strong enough to stand alone, but you’ve weakened it with adverbs or "stage direction" that repeats the emotion already present in the words.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "The network is compromised," she said, her voice a flat, controlled rasp.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "The network is compromised." She kept her voice flat, a controlled rasp.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Said" plus two adjectives and a noun is a mouthful. Let the description of the voice be its own beat to emphasize her composure.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "Come on, you digital bastard," she muttered.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Come on, you digital bastard."
*   **RATIONALE:** The dialogue itself implies the mutter/tone. We don't need the tag at all here; we know she’s alone at her desk.

#### 2. Economy of Action
There are a few "cliches of movement" that slow down the pacing during high-intensity moments. 

*   **ORIGINAL:** Elena didn't swear. Swearing was a luxury for people who had time to waste on breath. She slammed a sequence into the terminal...
*   **SUGGESTED:** Elena didn't swear. She slammed a sequence into the terminal...
*   **RATIONALE:** The internal monologue about swearing being a "luxury" is a bit "tough-guy" trope-heavy and actually costs the reader the very "breath" Elena says she doesn't have. Cut to the action.

*   **ORIGINAL:** Liam’s sleep-heavy voice.
*   **SUGGESTED:** Liam’s voice, thick with sleep.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Sleep-heavy" is a hyphenated adjective that feels a bit clinical. "Thick with sleep" has more texture.

#### 3. Distinct Voice & "As You Know, Bob" Dialogue
Some of the dialogue between Elena and Cora/Liam feels like it’s explaining the theme to the reader rather than being a natural conversation between survivors.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "We were always on our own, Cora. We just finally stopped pretending otherwise."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "We were always on our own. Now we just don't have a choice."
*   **RATIONALE:** The original line feels a bit like a movie trailer tag. The revision is more grounded in their immediate, desperate reality.

#### 4. Literal Logic & Rhythms
*   **ORIGINAL:** "...the smell of burnt circuits heavy in the air. Her eyes ached, and her fingers were cramped into claws."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "...the ozone of burnt circuits. Her eyes ached; her fingers had cramped into claws."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Heavy in the air" is a tired phrase. "Ozone" is a stronger noun that carries its own weight.

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### LINE EDIT SUGGESTIONS

1.  **ORIGINAL:** "The countdown on Elena’s secondary monitor didn't blink, but the heat radiating from the server rack behind her felt like a physical hand pressing against the small of her back."
    **SUGGESTED:** "The countdown didn't blink, but the heat from the server rack pressed like a hand against the small of Elena’s back."
    **RATIONALE:** "Physical hand" is redundant (hands are physical). Tightening the beginning puts the focus on the pressure.

2.  **ORIGINAL:** "Liam reached out, catching her arm as she stumbled slightly."
    **SUGGESTED:** "Liam caught her arm as she stumbled."
    **RATIONALE:** If he caught her, he obviously reached out. "Slightly" is a weak adverb that softens the impact of her exhaustion.

3.  **ORIGINAL:** "The simple text interface vanished, replaced by a geometric nightmare of shifting fractals that began to consume her processing power."
    **SUGGESTED:** "The text vanished, replaced by shifting fractals that devoured her processing power."
    **RATIONALE:** "Geometric nightmare" is telling, not showing. Let the "shifting fractals" do the work. "Devoured" is more economic than "began to consume."

4.  **ORIGINAL:** "Liam walked down the stairs, his boots crunching on a piece of glass that had shattered when the power surged."
    **SUGGESTED:** "Liam’s boots crunched on glass—a monitor that had drifted out of focus and shattered during the surge."
    **RATIONALE:** The original flows a bit long. Let the sound of the crunch lead the sentence.

---

### VERDICT

**POLISH NEEDED.**

The story beats are solid, and the atmosphere is claustrophobic and effective. However, the prose occasionally leans on "heavy-duty" adjectives and redundant descriptors that stall the kinetic energy of a cyber-attack. Trimming the dialogue tags and sharpening the nouns will make this chapter move as fast as the Architect’s logic.