Hello. I’m Lane. I’ve gone through the text for "The Saboteur in the Ranks." 

The rhythm of this chapter is generally propulsive, and you have a strong handle on the "elemental" metaphors. However, there are moments where the prose leans on "fantasy autopilot"—using familiar phrases that lack the tactile precision I expect from a high-stakes romance. We need to tighten the dialogue and ensure the "YA" voice doesn't slip into melodrama.

Here is my evaluation.

### 1. STRENGTHS
*   **Tactile Magic:** The description of the "void-leach" as "a bucket of rusted nails" is excellent. It moves beyond the visual and gives the reader a sensory discomfort.
*   **The "Bridge" Moment:** The climax of the scene—where they use the "space between them" rather than their individual elements—is a strong payoff for a rivals-to-lovers arc. It’s romantic without pausing the action.
*   **Visual Contrast:** The image of Dorian’s white hair windswept from the backlash and the steaming blood is a sharp, evocative opening image.

### 2. CONCERNS & LINE EDITS

#### I. Dialogue Economy and "Villain Speech"
Kaelen’s dialogue is a bit too "Saturday Morning Cartoon." It loses the tragedy of his betrayal because he is speaking in tropes.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "You're ruining it," Kaelen rasping, his voice layered with a dissonance that wasn't human. "You're making us weak, Mira. Mixing fire with water? You’re turning us into steam. We were meant to burn. We were meant to conquer."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "You’re quenching us," Kaelen rasped, the words vibrating with a hollow dissonance. "Fire and water? You're turning us to steam, Mira. We were meant to burn. Now, we’re just... vanishing."  
*   **RATIONALE:** "You're ruining it" is a bit childish. "Quenching" fits the elemental theme better. Also, "We were meant to conquer" feels generic. Focus on the loss of identity rather than a sudden desire for world domination.

#### II. Weaker Adjectives and Adverbs
You have a tendency to use adverbs to describe how people talk, which tells the reader the emotion rather than letting the dialogue carry it.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "Seal the gates," Mira commanded. The fire in her voice returned, flicking at the edges of the room.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Seal the gates." Mira’s voice didn't just carry; it scorched, the heat of it flicking at the edges of the room.
*   **RATIONALE:** "Commanded" is redundant if the sentence that follows describes the power of her voice. Let the "fire" do the work.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "Dorian finally looked up. His blue eyes were frantic..."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "Dorian finally looked up. His blue eyes were fractured..."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Frantic" is a standard choice. "Fractured" plays into the "ice" motif and implies a deeper internal break.

#### III. The "Breathed/Whispered" Habit
In a "sensual but tasteful" YA romance, the breathy dialogue can become repetitive.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "The faculty," she whispered.
*   **SUGGESTED:** "The faculty." The realization was a stone in her throat.
*   **RATIONALE:** Give the realization weight rather than just a low volume.

#### IV. Economy of Motion
Avoid "started to" or "began to" when the action itself is more powerful.

*   **ORIGINAL:** "The mist didn't dissipate; instead, it began to drift toward the western wing..."
*   **SUGGESTED:** "The mist didn't dissipate; it coiled, then lanced toward the western wing..."
*   **RATIONALE:** "Begun to drift" is passive. "Lanced" creates more urgency for a scene involving a ticking clock.

#### V. Repetitive Word Usage: "Shard"
The word "shard" appears 7 times in the latter half of the chapter. 
*   **SUGGESTION:** Use synonyms or focus on the object's properties: *The sliver, the fragment, the crystalline tooth, the jagged remnant.*

### 3. LINE-BY-LINE HIGHLIGHTS

*   **QUOTE:** "...ice-menders."
*   **LANE:** Is this a formal title in your world? If so, capitalize it (Ice-menders). If not, "ice-healers" might feel more intuitive for a romantic fantasy setting.

*   **QUOTE:** "...checking the silver watch at his wrist. The hands were spinning backward."
*   **LANE:** Good. This is a "show, don't tell" way of establishing the magical instability.

*   **QUOTE:** "Dorian’s expression hardened. He stood up, pulling Mira with him. The warmth of his hand was the only thing keeping her upright."
*   **LANE:** This is a bit of a cliché. Mira is a high-ranking Chancellor (a fire mage); having her barely able to stand because a student attacked her makes her feel slightly too "damsel-ish" for this archetype. 
*   **REVISION:** "Dorian’s expression hardened. He offered a hand, and as Mira took it, their magics hummed a brief, defiant chord." (Emphasize partnership over her weakness).

***

### VERDICT: POLISH NEEDED

The bones of the chapter are excellent, and the pacing towards the cliffhanger is spot-on. However, the dialogue needs a "de-cliché" pass to ensure these characters feel like powerful academics rather than archetypes. Tighten the descriptions of the action to remove passive "was/were" constructions and "began to" phrases. 

Once the dialogue is sharpened, this will be a very strong chapter.