Hello. I’m Lane. Let’s look at the pulse of this prose. 

The rhythm of this scene is generally strong, particularly the way you lean into the elemental metaphor. However, there are moments where the prose gets "sticky" with repetitive descriptors and a few instances where the dialogue tags or adjectives soften the impact of your sensory writing.

Here is my line-level audit of **The Balcony Kiss**.

### 1. STRENGTHS
*   **Atmospheric Sensory Contrast:** You’ve done an excellent job establishing the physical temperature difference between the leads. The "heat sink" vs. "ice sculpture" imagery creates immediate stakes for a physical encounter.
*   **Strong Open:** *“The frost on the stone railing didn't just bite; it vibrated...”* This is an evocative opening line that establishes the magical tension through a physical medium.
*   **Character Voice:** Dorian’s dialogue feels appropriately stiff and "architectural," while Mira’s is more reactive and volatile.

### 2. CONCERNS

**A. Over-reliance on "Jagged" and "Sharp"**
You use "jagged" three times in the first few paragraphs. While it establishes a mood, it becomes a repetitive beat that loses its edge.
*   **Quote:** *“...its jagged growth mirroring the way her own pulse was jaggedly expanding...”*
*   **Quote:** *“...her voice dropping to a jagged whisper.”*
*   **REMEDY:** Vary the texture. Use "staccato," "serrated," or "fractured."

**B. Redundant Adjectives and Weak Nouns**
Some sentences are cluttered with descriptors that tell the reader what the nouns should already be doing.
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"Mira watched a single crystal of ice form over a microscopic crack in the marble..."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"Mira watched a single crystal of ice form over a fissure in the marble..."* 
*   **RATIONALE:** "Microscopic crack" is clinical and wordy. "Fissure" implies the same scale with more gravity.

**C. Dialogue Tag Adverbs and Redundancies**
You have a few instances where the dialogue tag or the following sentence explains an emotion the dialogue already conveyed.
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"“I’m celebrating,” Mira countered, her breath swirling in a pale plume of steam."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"“I’m celebrating.” Mira’s breath swirled in a pale plume of steam."*
*   **RATIONALE:** We know she’s countering. Let the dialogue stand on its own feet.
*   **ORIGINAL:** *"“You’re cold, Dorian,” she breathed..."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"“You’re cold, Dorian.”"* (Drop the "breathed").
*   **RATIONALE:** In YA/Adult romance, "breathed" is a tired trope. Her action of grazing his lapel already sets the intimacy of the volume.

**D. The "As If" Filter**
You use "as if" to describe the gravity of the scene, which pulls the reader out of the immediate sensation and into a simile.
*   **ORIGINAL:** *“...anchoring her as if he were afraid she might turn to ash and blow away in the wind.”*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *“...anchoring her against the wind, as though holding back an ember before it sparked.”*
*   **RATIONALE:** The "ash/blow away" cliché is a bit thin. Let’s keep the fire imagery active rather than passive.

### 3. LINE-BY-LINE SUGGESTIONS

*   **ORIGINAL:** *"Dorian moved with a stillness that usually chilled a room to its marrow, but tonight, standing two feet away in his formal charcoal tunics, he felt like a heat sink."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"Dorian moved with a stillness that usually chilled a room to its marrow, but tonight, draped in charcoal silk, he felt like a heat sink."*
*   **RATIONALE:** "Formal charcoal tunics" (plural) is confusing—how many is he wearing? "Draped in charcoal silk" maintains the class and rhythm.

*   **ORIGINAL:** *"Dorian chuckled, a dry, tectonic sound."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"Dorian’s chuckle was a dry, tectonic shift."*
*   **RATIONALE:** "Tectonic sound" is a bit abstract; "shift" feels more like a physical movement of ice/earth consistent with his magic.

*   **ORIGINAL:** *"It was the most infuriating thing about him—his patience."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"His patience was his most infuriating weapon."*
*   **RATIONALE:** Tightens the sentence and frames his personality as a point of conflict.

*   **ORIGINAL:** *"She closed the distance, her mouth crashing against his with the pent-up frustration of a decade of rivalry."*
*   **SUGGESTED:** *"She closed the distance, her mouth crashing against his—a decade of rivalry condensed into a single collision."*
*   **RATIONALE:** "Pent-up frustration" is telling. "Condensed into a single collision" shows the pressure.

### VERDICT: POLISH NEEDED
The chemistry is palpable and the elemental manifestation of their emotions (the frost vaporizing) is top-tier romance writing. It just needs a "shave" to remove redundant descriptors and tighten the dialogue beats to ensure the rhythm of the kiss isn't interrupted by clunky prose.