To: Facilitator, Crimson Leaf Publishing  
From: Lane, Line Editor  
Date: October 2024  
Project: *The Starfall Accord* (ch-03)

### 1. STRENGTHS TO PRESERVE
*   **Sensory Juxtaposition:** The opening description of the neutrality lattice—“that shimmering, fifty-fifty split of air that tasted like neither summer nor winter”—is excellent. It sets a physical price and texture for the magical conflict.
*   **The Somatic Bleed:** The mechanic where her anger manifests as a physical mark on his clothing (“Worse, it was *her* brand”) is a perfect externalization of the internal "slow burn."
*   **Dialogue Rhythm:** The exchange regarding "litigating the thermodynamics of my sleeves" is sharp and character-appropriate. It captures Dorian’s pedantry and Mira’s impatience without sliding into caricature.
*   **The Healing Moment:** The description of Dorian’s magic as "a constant, cooling wash... grounding her fire into his own ice" effectively conveys the romantic chemistry through the magic system.

### 2. MUST-FIX — CONTINUITY
*   **The Table Material:** 
    *   **Error:** In the middle of the chapter, it is described as an "iron table" (re: the carafe rattling). By the final paragraph, Mira is pressing her hand against the "cool oak of her desk," then it shifts to "cool iron of her desk." 
    *   **Correction:** Standardize the furniture. If the drafting table is iron (to withstand heat) and her desk is oak, ensure the final internal monologue specifies which one she is touching, as the textures of "oak" and "iron" carry different thematic weights.
*   **The "Double Ending":** 
    *   **Error:** The final two paragraphs are redundant. The second-to-last paragraph ends with the phantom heat of Dorian's pulse, and the final paragraph repeats the exact same sentiment with nearly identical phrasing.
    *   **Correction:** Delete the final standalone paragraph. The chapter is stronger ending on "the phantom heat, a thrumming, rhythmic pulse that didn't belong to the stone or the fire."

### 3. MUST-FIX — CLARITY
*   **The Proctors' Entrance:** 
    *   **Passage:** "Kaelen... entered with his usual brisk efficiency... and a representative... Lyra... following close behind." 
    *   **Correction:** This transition is a bit jarring after a high-intensity near-kiss. Add one sentence of "recovery" time for Mira—straightening her robes or wiping the steam from her face—to bridge the gap between "the kiss that almost was" and "bureaucratic warfare."
*   **The Burn Logistics:** 
    *   **Passage:** "He looked down at where the water had struck his skin. The flesh was red..." 
    *   **Correction:** Clarify if the water struck through his silk sleeve or if his sleeve was rolled up. Earlier, much is made of his "pristine" sleeves; it adds to the drama if his meticulously maintained uniform is physically ruined by the "bleeding" magic.

### 4. OPTIONAL SUGGESTIONS
*   **ORIGINAL:** "Dorian Solas was systematically ruining his own dignity." 
    *   **SUGGESTED:** "Dorian Solas was meticulously dismantling his own composure." 
    *   **RATIONALE:** "Systematically ruining" feels a bit modern/clinical. "Meticulously dismantling" leans into his precision-oriented character.
*   **ORIGINAL:** "...one of those ridiculous northern accessories he likely kept for wiping ink off his porcelain fingers..." 
    *   **SUGGESTED:** Move or cut "likely." 
    *   **RATIONALE:** Mira’s voice is strong and assertive; "likely" adds a layer of narrative hesitation she doesn't need. Let her assume his pretension as fact.
*   **Dialogue Tag Audit:** 
    *   **Passage:** "'Floor plans,' Mira spat." 
    *   **Suggestion:** Change to "Mira didn't speak the words; she exhaled them like ash." 
    *   **RATIONALE:** "Spat" is a common fantasy beat. Using her fire-based somatic vocabulary reinforces her specific character voice.

### 5. FORBIDDEN CHANGES / NON-GOALS
*   **Do not soften the technical jargon:** The "thermodynamics," "bursar’s reports," and "kinetic sensibilities" give this a "magical academia" flavor that distinguishes it from high fantasy. 
*   **The "Clipped" Dialogue:** Dorian’s dialogue can feel cold, but do not add "warmth" to his tags. His lack of overt emotion is the foil to Mira’s volatility.
*   **The Tether:** Keep the physical description of the tether as a "weight" or "chain." It serves as a necessary anchor for the proximity tropes later in the book.

### 6. VERDICT: REVISE
The chapter is rhythmically sound and the chemistry is palpable, but the redundant "double ending" and the oak/iron desk inconsistency must be resolved before this moves to the next stage.